


feel

by leleluv



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Drug Use, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-29 17:21:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19404745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leleluv/pseuds/leleluv
Summary: Jeno has it all, but he still feels empty.





	feel

**Author's Note:**

> hi um authors note i didnt proof read and im writing this at 5 am on a whim sorry if its bad :(

Jeno sat their criss crossed on his bed, confused as to why he felt so sad. _"_ _the bad part is over jeno, FEEL BETTER_ , _" jeno thought to himself._ Jeno wasnt sad in particular he wasnt happy or content either and he felt so guilty for that. Jeno had everything he needed. He had a house a supportive parent (well sorta) and food on the table but he was still so upset. Sure Jeno had his fair share of trauma but then at least hed known what he'd felt _hurt,anger, and fear._ But now everything was okay and seemingly perfect he felt his worst.

_Its just one of those days,_ Jeno thought at first, but when they never stopped Jeno was confused. He wasn't lonely he had Jaemin the sweetest boyfriend ever , and he wasnf lacking friends Donghyuck was always there for him and both open minded and kind. The only feeling jeno could feel at this point was guilt. He felt so guilty for not being happy so he decided to do the only thing he knew that could make him feel something. 

Jeno knew drugs werent good. Jeno knew if you let your drug use get out of control it could ruin you. But Jeno just wanted to feel something other than guilt, he wanted to be sad or happy ANYTHING would be better than this emptiness and guilt he felt.

So, Jeno went to the best source of drugs he knew. _Snapchat._ Jeno knew of a kid named Mark Lee or something that added him on snapchat and all his stories were about being the plug or something. Jeno always ignored them he didnt care, cause what did it have to do with him right? So Jeno mustered up all his courage, dropping all his pride and slid up on one of Marks many videos of himself rolling a joint and said " _whats ur price?"_

Jeno was somewhat surprised when Marks bitmoji showed he was typing. Nonetheless Mark responed _"10$ a gram"_ Jeno checked his bank account he had $200 from work. Jeno rolled his eyes he didnt like the price but whatever. _"Bet ill buy 5"_ Jeno replied. Jeno tried to use the little stoner lingo he knew from hyuck so he said _"are u mobile"_ Jeno quickly freaked out and went to urban dictionary to figure out what mobile meant. Once he figured it out he was glad to see Mark replied _"yup"_. Jeno and Mark planned to meet outside Jeno's house and Jeno had venmoed Mark the money he wanted.

Jeno went to his room glad his mother was barely ever around, and at that moment and lit his joint. He'd never _smoked_ before so he was a bit nervous. So Jeno just did what he saw at parties he put his lips on the end of the joint and took a breath in. Jeno looked in the mirror confused as to what he was doing but was brought out of his daze when he needed to cough. 

"oh shit fuck what?" he said confused as to what had happened. Hed never seen anyone at parties cough like that but nevertheless he hit it again this time remembering to exhale. Sooner or later Jeno felt the affects. He was feeling happy, he felt like nothing could stop him. So he called his boyfriend, jeno " _Hi babyyyyyyy i love youuu"_ he said as Jaemin answered the phone jaemin just replied witha confused noise " _Jen are you okay? You never do this?"_ Jeno replied with a slight pout on his face hoping Jaemin could hear it through the phone " _Im fine I just love you and i want you to know"_

Jaemin simply sighed in response. He didnt believe Jeno, honestly Jaemin didnt even know if he loved Jaemin or just the attention Jeno gave him. Jeno on the otherhand was infatuated with Jaemin, he saw him in the best light he really thought Jaemin deserved the world. 

After Jaemin hung up Jeno sat on his bed somewhat upset, wishing he could go back to not feeling something. He hit his joint again this time rather lazily getting used to it. Jeno decided to put it out on his nightstand and spray the whole room with cologne and febreeze, hoping the smell wasnt noticable. 

Jeno made a habit of getting high to feel something, but one day when he called Jaemin , Jaemin seemed to have enough of his calling. _"Jeno look I dont know why recently youre so obsessed with me but stop. I don't even want to be together anymore lets just fucking stop it please."_ Jeno didnt say anything in response. All he did was laugh. It wasnt a happy laugh at all. He was laughing to make himself believe he was happy. Believe he was okay. Eventually Jeno said a simple _"alright. bye jaem,"_ in response and hung up. Jeno could surely feel now, it was distinct and strong. Sadness. Jeno wanted it to end.

Jeno found himself taking a bath to relax or something like that. He ran it hot, he stepped in and laid there for what felt like hours. He looked down at himself feeling self conscious all the sudden. He closed his eyes and sank down into the bath laying there in fetal position.

Jeno didnt come back up until it was too late. He'd done what he wanted. 


End file.
